Blue Mud
by provencepuss
Summary: A study in grief after Starsky's Lady. Written in late 2006/early 2007 can't remember. This is still one of the stories I'm most proud of. I don't understand why the chapter divisions disappear when a story is uploaded - sorry for the inconvenience


BLUE MUD 

Hutch left Starsky's apartment around two in the morning. He was clutching Ollie, the big Teddy Bear that Terri had left him. He left Starsky wandering around the kitchen clearing up the bottles and the Monopoly Board and its paraphernalia; when Hutch had started to help he had been rebuffed with a gruff "I want to do it OK?" Ken knew better than to insist.

Driving home Hutch tried to swallow back the tears that were welling up; he concentrated on the road ahead and finally parked in front of his Venice Place apartment. He went heavily up the stairs and resigned himself to a short night's sleep.  
He knew that he was weeping for Terri; for himself and most of all for Starsky. He'd never seen his partner let down the shutters as far as he had this time. Starsk, who so often hid his true feelings behind angry outbursts or sullen silence. "Come to think of it, "Hutch said to himself, "he has temper tantrums like an unhappy frustrated kid. Maybe this will be some kind of catharsis for him." He put Ollie gently on the bed and started to undress; he wondered why Terri had not left the teddy bear to Starsky – something to hold now she was no longer there. The Monopoly handbook had been kind; a gentle reminder of how much she had loved her big curly haired bear. Hutch lay down beside Ollie and let sleep take over.

Once Hutch was out of the door, Starsky let himself go for the first time since he had left the hospital room. Since Terri died they had been occupied with finding Proudholm and that had kept his mind off his misery. The funeral had been tough going. He met Terri's widowed mother for the first time at the funeral; she had flown in from Seattle only the day before the ceremony. She'd been so shattered by her daughter's death that Starsky felt he had to be strong for her. Nancy had shown no sign of blaming him for the tragedy and many mothers would have done. Her daughter had been shot and killed by a madman who wanted to hurt Starsky. Walking to the graveside Nancy had turned to him, her eyes red and swollen with her grief and said: "She loved you David. She spoke about you all the time when she called me. You made her happier than she had ever been with a boyfriend. I can't hold it against you." Starsky had taken her hand and as they walked on he said: "I asked her to marry me. I don't know that I'll ever have the courage do that again with any woman I meet. She's left a big hole in my life too."  
He had stood next to Nancy all through the brief and touching ceremony. Terri's friends read poetry that she had loved. Starsky, his voice hardly audible and choking back the tears had recited a line from Shakespeare:  
"'Age can not wither her, nor fortune stale her infinite variety…' she's beyond that now. We will all remember her young and full of life. We will all remember her care for the kids in her class – especially Sally. We will all remember her for her refusal to let anything stop her from doing……….." His voice broke off; he couldn't go on. He stood in silence, head bowed and shoulders shaking; Hutch went over to him and put an arm around his shoulder. The others walked slowly back to their waiting cars. Nancy turned to Starsky and said "I hope you will come and see me before I go back to Seattle. There is something I want you to have." Starsky nodded.

When all the others had gone Hutch stayed at his friend's side but he left Starsky to himself for a few seconds. He saw a silhouette of misery standing by the grave. Looking uncomfortable in his dark suit; Starsky obviously hadn't shaved for a couple of days and that added to his air of dejection. Starsky reached into a pocket and to Hutch's surprise pulled put a black skull cap and placed it precariously on his thick curls. He started to say something and Hutch decided to give him his space so he took a couple of steps back and listened. Starsky was praying aloud; Hutch did not understand a word of it because the prayer was in Hebrew. He waited respectfully until he'd finished and then took up position at his side. Starsky put the kippa back in his pocket, wiped his eyes with the back of his hand and turned to Hutch. "I had to do it. She wasn't Jewish but I had to say it. We say prayers for the dead to give ourselves comfort and that's the only one I ever knew."

"I didn't know you had it in you."   
Starsky shrugged "I said it for my father – nearest male relative etc. I guess I'll say it for my mother. I hope to God I never have to say it for you and I pray that there will be someone to say it for me when the time comes."  
Hutch was stunned.  
"Come on, let's go and get changed into something more comfortable. We still have a flake to find." Starsky sounded grim and Hutch knew that he needed to get this thing finished.

Now he was alone. Really alone! He'd meant it when he asked Terri to marry him; and he'd been equally serious when he'd told her he was going to quit the force. He shuffled around the apartment, picking up the debris of the evening and sniffed. He had a lot of thinking to do and decisions to make. He was scared and he didn't know how to deal with this new fear – this feeling that he had been helpless to prevent the woman he loved from dying. He was scared of his future if he did quit the force; and scared of how he would be able to deal with it if he didn't.  
He pulled another beer out of the fridge and slumped onto his couch. The bottle was emptied in about four long slugs and he went to get another; seeing that there were only two left he took them both back to the couch and finished off what he and Hutch had started – he got really drunk.

He woke the next morning with a stiff back and a headache that rivaled all the migraines he had ever had rolled into one; his first real hangover! He wandered into the bedroom and found his prescription bottle, swallowed a couple of pills and fell onto the bed to sink back into deep sleep.

Hutch woke with a sore head; but he'd had plenty of hangovers before and knew that an Alka Seltzer and a cup of coffee would do the trick. He drank them and started to get ready for another day at work. With Proudholm finally off the streets the guys had a breather. Hutch knew that he'd be landed with having to make the report but he didn't begrudge Starsky this one; why should Starsk have go over it all again, he had suffered enough.

He reached for the 'phone to call Starsky and see if he wanted to ride to the precinct with him; then he thought better of it and set out on his own.

The Torino was not in its usual spot front of the entrance. Hutch reckoned Starsky would have put it in the parking area and he drove round to put his car there too. The Torino was not there either; but Starsky's black Harley was. "Oh oh." Hutch muttered under his breath "Looks like we're going out on patrol on that."

Dobey's office door was closed when Hutch came into the Squad Room. Starsky wasn't to be seen and he could hear low voices coming from behind the door. He heard the outer door of Dobey's office close and turned in time to see Starsky walking towards the stairway down to the street. He ran after him, but Dobey, coming out of his office by the Squad Room door stopped him. "Leave him. He's requested a few days leave. He says he doesn't want to see anyone for a few days. He said he'll call you when he's ready."  
Hutch watched the receding figure as Starsky disappeared down the stairs. He could tell by the set of his partner's shoulders that things were bad.

Hutch sat at his desk and rolled a report form into the typewriter and got on with the chore.

It was a quiet day. Hutch and a couple of the others spent most of the morning discussing a few of the cases that had been dealt with while he and Starsky were going after Proudholm. A couple of rapists pulled in – but the cases probably wouldn't hold because the victims were too scared to testify in court; a kid brought in for picking pockets at the airport and a couple of pimps who had beaten on their hookers.

Around twelve thirty Hutch put his head round Dobey's door and said "I'll be at Huggy's if you need me." Dobey grunted.

The Pits was noisy with the usual lunchtime crowd. Huggy was serving three people at once and Anita, the new waitress, was going from table to table taking orders and chatting with the clients. Huggy was Hutch come in and waved him over to a booth in the corner by the pinball machine.  
"What's happening my man? Where's Starsky?"  
Hutch explained that Starsky had requested a few days and gone off without explanation. "I'm worried about him Huggy. He's taken it very badly."  
"You're telling me! I've never seen him so down. Not that you look like Mr. Sunshine either."  
Hutch smiled wanly. "Last night we carried out Terri's last wishes. We played Monopoly 'til midnight and then we opened the packages she'd left with Starsky. I got her bear, Ollie; Starsk got a book about winning Monopoly. I could see by his face that he had hoped that Ollie would be for him."  
"Give it to him then."  
Yeah, when he's ready I think I will."  
Hutch drank his beer slowly and asked for another. "Oh and Huggy, I'd better eat something, bring me a cheese salad sandwich."

He picked at the sandwich, eating by necessity and with little enthusiasm. His instincts told him to go over to Starsky's place – but he remembered what Dobey had said and he knew that for once he should ignore his instincts.

When he left the precinct Starsky steered the big motor bike out towards the Pacific Highway. He still had his badge in his pocket and his gun strapped to his side. Dobey had refused his resignation in no uncertain terms. Starsky was fighting the urge to throw both symbols of his job into the first trash can he saw.  
He roared along the highway (one eye on the speedo) and came off at the ramp that would take him down to the Santa Monica Pier. He parked the bike and went over to the big Ferris wheel that dominated the beach. He was terrified of heights. Every time he and Hutch found themselves on a roof Starsky had to fight back the feelings of terror. Looking out of third floor window gave him the heebie-jeebies; but this was something he had to do, for Terri. She'd been willing to go on a roller-coaster slide despite the bullet in her head, to prove their love; as soon as he'd consented she'd proved her point and they didn't take the ride. One day, long before she'd been shot, she'd wanted to go on the Ferris Wheel but Dave had been so frightened by the idea that she had given up trying to persuade him. He remembered her disappointment. He'd told her "You go, I'll watch." Now she was gone. She'd told him that she would always be there for him. "When you're scared…" now he was going to test it out. He took a deep breath and reached into his pocket for the change to buy his ticket.  
Standing in line he was tempted to walk away; but he'd grown up believing that you should never run away however tough the situation. He arrived at the front of the line and allowed the barker to secure the bar across him. He asked the man to let him have a gondola to himself and the crowd was small enough for that to be ok. The thing began to move. Slowly Dave felt himself rising into the air. He swallowed hard against the rising nausea in his throat. He fought to keep his eyes open. As the wheel took him up high above the pier and the beach he plucked up the courage to look around him. The view was breathtaking. On one side the ocean stretched away to a far horizon, on the other the city of Santa Monica spread out beneath him and for a brief moment as the wheel prepared to descend he could see the mountains that rose behind the urban sprawl. The downward journey made him feel sick again and he swallowed hard. As the gondola began to glide towards the setting down point he thought he heard a voice beside him; _"You see Dave; you could do it. I told you I'd be there when you needed me." _He turned to the seat beside him; but it was empty.  
He walked away from the Wheel and back to his bike. He headed up the coast road to the little beach he'd once found when he had been in need of comfort. He guided the bike down the track and parked it when he could take it no further. He pulled off his jacket, his holster and his shoes and socks and locked them into the saddlebags. He ran down to the beach and felt the warm sand between his toes. He started to jog along the firmer sand at the water's edge. As his pace quickened he felt some of the misery release itself. Finally a stitch in his side made him pull up short. There were some rocks shaded by a beachside palm tree. He sat under the tree and let go. There was no-one to see him racked with sobs, pouring out his heart, and finally raging against a world that allowed men like Proudholm to destroy the lives of others.  
He sat on his rock and screamed "Terri! Terri! Terri!" until his was hoarse with the effort.

He pulled himself as together as he best could manage and started back to the waiting bike

Hutch hadn't heard from Starsky for three days now. Dobey had received a call asking for a few more days leave and the Captain had immediately put Starsky down on unrestricted compassionate leave. From the background noise, he told Hutch, it sounded like Starsky was calling from a payphone – he had heard traffic and sea gulls in the background.  
"In the meantime, Hutchinson, there are still a few unfinished threads to tie up in the rape case that and Edwards and Pike brought in. I'm assigning you to give them a hand."  
Hutch knew that there would be no point in arguing. Both men knew that Hutch couldn't work properly with any temporary partner so it was best that he worked alongside the other two. Edwards and Pike were experienced enough to be able to handle the case, but neither of them had that spark of insight that seemed to get Starsky and Hutch to the crux of a case faster than many of their colleagues. Dobey called the other two detectives into the office and told them that Hutch would be working on the case.  
Pike looked at Hutch and said "Sure you can handle it without your buddy?" Hutch turned on him angrily. "What's that supposed to mean?"  
"I just meant that you must be feeling pretty lonely without your friend around."  
Pike had only joined the Ninth about six months ago; right from the start he'd had a strange fascination with the way Starsky and Hutch worked in such apparent harmony. He'd started suggesting that they were "closer than some people realized." When Hutch had first gotten wind of the insinuations he had gone after Pike; but Starsky held him back. "Forget it. When the time is right I'll sock him one where it really hurts!"

Pike looked steadily at Hutch and said. "Must have been hard for you when he was so close to that girl."  
That did it; Hutch slapped him hard across the face.  
"Hutchinson!" Dobey stood up.  
"What Captain? Are you going to tell me that I was out of line?" Dobey sat down again.  
"Keep your mouth shut Pike, or next time you'll answer to me."  
Hutch gave Pike a sour look and started for the door. "If I didn't know better, "he said, "I'd think maybe you were jealous."  
Nobody saw the look of embarrassment in Pike's eye.

Pike and Edwards drove a green LTD. Hutch followed them as they made their way to the last crime scene.   
"You're really stupid sometimes, you know that?" Edwards said to his partner. "Those guys are very close; but no way is there anything sexual in it; as for your crack about Terri; show some respect. I've known Starsky for five years now and believe me she was the love of his life. I've never seen him so torn apart as he is right now. He won't even let Hutch near him; and believe me that worries the big blond more than anything else."

Pike said nothing. He was looking in the side mirror and watching Hutch driving behind them. The guy was gorgeous. Big blond, those cool blue eyes… Pike could feel himself getting aroused just thinking of Hutch. He knew that he'd better keep quiet.

The two cars pulled into a parking lot in front of a half-ruined warehouse – yet another company victim to the recession that was hitting the country in the wake of the oil crisis. Half the roof was gone and the walls showed the tell-tale traces of fire damage. The owner had set fire to it himself in the desperate hope that the insurance payment would keep his family and those of his four employees afloat for a few more months. When the police arrived to arrest him for arson; he shot himself in front of his wife and two kids. Hutch had been one of the arresting officers; Starsky was in the hospital after a freak fall had dislocated a shoulder. Hutch re-ran the horror film of the owner's suicide through his mind as he got out of the car. Six months after that incident these lousy remains of a warehouse had been the theater of another tragedy. Two teen-age girls had been brought here and brutally raped.

Pike and Edwards were already inside and crouching by a bale of wire. Bloodstains on the ground bore witness to just how brutal the attacks had been. The three of them were there to find any tiny detail that could convict the suspects if their victims were still too afraid to testify. It was the old, old story; rape victims are given a hard time in court. The prosecution takes a pleasure in finding evidence that they led the men on. "Wasn't the skirt you were wearing very short?" "Why did you let him buy you a drink?"  
Starsky had once said that he could see why the women were so often reluctant to be put through that kind of ordeal. "As if being physically raped isn't enough; they have to go through it mentally as well. In public!" He'd added something that showed just how deeply he took things. "It explains why they won't testify; but it doesn't excuse."

Hutch looked at the blood stains. He turned slowly and retraced the possible path that the rapists and their victims might have taken to get to this corner. A few feet away he spotted another bloodstain.  
"Did the lab take samples from all the stains?"  
Pike looked at him. "Sure they did. I stood here and watch the M.E.'s assistant take swabs from both of them."  
"What about that one over there?"  
Edwards came to where Hutch was standing. "Shit! I don't think anyone saw that one."  
"Let's hope it's not too late." Hutch ran to his car and radioed for lab support.  
When he came back he heard Edwards saying "…'s why they're First Class and you and I are Third Class Pike; they're damned good at their job!"

Starsky was in Terri's old apartment. The lease had another few weeks to run and she had always paid her rent three months in advance. He drifted around the room, touching a piece of furniture; staring at the pictures on the wall. He had promised Nancy that he would pack Terri's things and send them to Seattle. Nancy told him to keep whatever he wanted and to send the clothes to a Goodwill Store. Starsky had already donated Terri's clothes to a new charity store set up by a women's group that worked with victims of domestic violence.

He was holding a small vase in his hand. The first time he saw it Terri had taken it out of a cabinet to put the single rose that he had brought her the day after they first spent the night together. He let the tears fall.  
He wandered into the bedroom; still holding the vase. The bed seemed empty without Ollie. He put down the vase and threw himself face down on the bed.  
Hugging one of the pillows he buried his face in the other one and inhaled the scent of her hair that still lingered there. "Oh Terri. How am I going to make it without you?"  
He cried himself to sleep.

When he woke it was getting dark outside. He went into the kitchen and found a white candle and lit it; just as he kept a candle burning for her in his own apartment. He decided to spend the night here. He was too unhappy, too fragile and prone to tears to feel safe on his bike in the night traffic.  
_Tomorrow is the next day of the rest of my life. I guess for a while I'll take it all one day at a time._  
In the kitchen he found teabags and made himself a cup of tea; he wasn't hungry. He couldn't remember the last time he'd eaten anything and frankly he didn't give a damn.

He sat and hugged the mug if tea; sipping it slowly each sip reminding him the times that they had sat here, enjoying being with one another.  
He went over to the little Mexican cupboard that Terri used as a cocktail cabinet and found a half full bottle of "gold" Tequila. He didn't bother to look for a glass.  
Slowly, stopping now and then to wipe away the tears; he finished the bottle

When he awoke he looked around and took a while to remember where he was.  
His head hurt and he went to see what pain relief he could find in Terri's bathroom.  
He stopped dead in front of the sink. Her toothbrush was still in the glass; there were make-up bottles and a spray of her favorite perfume. He took a deep breath and opened the cabinet. The best he could find was Tylenol. He took the bottle of pills back to the kitchen and emptied onto the counter. _One, two, three, four, five…..I wonder how many it would take?_ He stopped himself before the idea became attractive. Mechanically he put all but two of the capsules back into the bottle and snapped it shut. He poured himself a glass of water and swallowed the painkillers, then went to lie down on the couch before he fell down.

Later that afternoon his head felt more like it belonged to his body. He galvanized himself mentally and set about sorting through Terri's stuff. He started a pile to go to Nancy and a pile for himself. After a while, passing in and out of the bedroom with books or discs or ornaments he stopped and looked at the two piles. Slowly he transferred most of the things from his pile to Nancy's. He decided to keep the vase; Terri's book of Shakespeare's sonnets and the volume of his complete works that Starsky had given her for her birthday. He selected a couple of discs "James Taylor" and "Pet Sounds". If Nancy didn't want the record collection she could sell it.  
He went into the kitchen and pulled out the two cartons that he had brought over a few days earlier and went back to the bedroom to pack them.

Once he had finished he made a call to the local woman in charge of the victim support group that had taken her clothes. "Sarah? Hi, it's Dave Starsky….Yeah…It's not easy...I…I…" he paused and drew a deep breath as if he felt he had to get it all out in one. "Sara, could you arrange for someone to come and clear the apartment? There must be a need for furniture and stuff. I'm going away for a few days; I'll leave the key in the same place as last time, Ok. Thanks. Hey of you need a cop anytime you know who to call. What? No, I decided it would do more honor to her memory of I didn't quit. Yeah…yeah…" His voice trailed off and he hung up before the sob that was rising in his throat choked him.

He went down to the bike and headed home.

Hutch's car was outside and for a moment Starsky felt like turning around and driving off before his partner heard the unmistakable tones of a well-tuned Harley.

He put the bike on its stand and went up the steps and let himself in.

Hutch was sitting on the couch. Starsky closed the door and made for the bedroom without a word. Hutch tried to follow him but the door closed in his face.

"Starsk? Hey Starsk; Dave; look I just wanted to make sure you were OK"  
From behind the door he heard the muffled reply. "I said I'd call when I was ready to see anyone. Leave me alone."

"No!" Hutch listened at the door. Starsky was moving about in the room and Hutch could hear the deep sniffs that meant his friend was fighting back the tears. He knocked. Nothing. He took a deep breath and quietly opened the door.  
Starsky was packing a small suitcase. He turned as Hutch came into the room.  
"Please Hutch. I'm going away for a coupla days; I'll call you when I get back. Promise. Please leave me alone right now."

Hutch looked at him gently. He had a four day beard and he looked thin and pale.  
"How come you've given up eating and shaving?"  
Starsky sat on the bed; still stuffing socks and underwear into the case. "I haven't been hungry." He fingered his beard, "And this is a sign that I loved her. I don't know the correct period for a woman I didn't even marry; there may not be one since she was a shiksa; but I'm not shaving for a while. That what you wanted to know?"

Hutch sat next to him. "OK I won't push it. Are you going East?"  
"No, North. I'm taking her stuff up to Nancy."

"Call me when you get back."  
"Yeah."

Hutch left the apartment; the vision of Starsky unshaven and haggard stayed with him the rest of the day.

Starsky finished packing and went over to the 'phone. He dialed and leaned against the kitchen counter while he waited for the call to connect.  
"Hi Nancy, it's Dave. I'll be leaving in about an hour. No I don't really know, I'll call you when I get to Seattle and you can tell me how to find you."

He went to the bedroom and took his bag down to the garage. He ran the Torino out of the garage and then put the Harley inside and closed the door.

He drove over to Terri's apartment knowing that this was the last time he would set foot in it. He had already sold Terri's car; giving the proceeds to the Marshall Center's sports fund. He slipped the Torino into the space in the garage allocated to Terri's apartment and went into the building. It took him three trips to get all the stuff down to the car and packed into the trunk. He went up one more time and resisting the temptation to take one more look inside left the key in the pre-arranged hiding place.

He drove away and headed for the Hollywood Freeway. He stayed with it until the exit for US 101 and headed north towards the Interstate 5.  
The sign told him he had another nine hundred and twenty eight miles ahead of him. He switched on the car radio/cassette player and slipped in a tape that he had compiled with all the tunes that he and Terri had called their own.

By the time reached Sacramento he was tired. He spotted a decent looking motel and checked in. He became aware that at last he was hungry; he looked at his watch, seven fifteen; he had not idea how long it was since he'd eaten more than a slice of toast or an apple or a lump of cheese. "Is there somewhere I can eat around here?" He asked the clerk. "We have a restaurant or there's a Bar'n'Grill a couple of miles into town. Starsky was too tired to think of driving again that night. He parked the Torino in front of his room and went inside. The decor was the same bland stuff you find in any motel on an Interstate highway. Starsky didn't even notice the color of the bedspread. He went into the bathroom and peed. He went back out and into the motel restaurant.

At first glance the place seemed to be exclusively filled with happy couples; but looking again he saw that he was not the only person eating alone and most of the others looked like they were traveling salesman. He looked at the menu. He hadn't eaten for so long he knew that he shouldn't push it. He ordered a steak and a salad.  
The waitress was a woman in her mid-fifties; the motherly sort. "You OK hon?" she asked him.  
"Yes. Thank you."  
"How do you want your steak?"  
"Medium"  
"You want a potato on the side?"  
"No, thanks just a salad."  
"Honey you look like you haven't eaten properly for a long time."  
"I haven't." He tried not to sound impatient but the last thing he wanted was pity. "I've had a long drive and I'm tired. Could you bring me a beer please?"  
"Sure." She went over to the bar and returned with his beer. "If there's anything I can do…" The tone of her voice made it obvious exactly what she meant by that.  
Starsky decided to ignore her. He ate his dinner and passed on a dessert; paid the check and went to bed.

He was up with the dawn and decided to grab breakfast at a coffee shop further along the road – he'd need to re-gas the Torino soon. About forty miles on he saw a rest stop; gas station, diner and a small store. He filled the tank and went into the diner and ordered coffee and a waffle with maple syrup. The waffle stuck in his throat but he finished the coffee and drank a refill.

The road was beautiful. He and Hutch had once driven back from San Francisco but not on the Highway. As the road headed north through California and on towards Oregon the landscape unfolded around him. He had never seen anything like it and yearned to be able to just take off and explore. _Next vacation, I'll drag Hutch up here._

He broke the journey just short of Portland. The motel was tacky and the food bad, but he didn't care. Late the next day he was approaching Seattle itself. Nancy had told him to ring as soon as he left the Interstate at exit 164A. He pulled over by a payphone and dialed her number. She explained how to find her house in a southern suburb of the city and an hour later he pulled up outside her neat two-storied house.

She came across the lawn to greet him and told him to put his car behind hers on the drive. She smiled at him as he got out of the car "Well that will give the neighbors food for thought." As she spoke she pointed to the car. "Not that Terri hadn't told me about your taste in cars."  
He grinned. "You should see my motor bike!"  
"Terri never mentioned it." She said quietly.  
"She didn't know about it! I was saving it for when we were married." He busied himself by taking his bag and the cartons out of the trunk. Nancy understood how fragile he was. She helped him with the cartons and then they sat down in the kitchen and had coffee and home-made chocolate cake.

"Terri was always telling me that I wouldn't be able to resist you chocolate cake." He helped himself to a second slice.  
"Did she tell you that she thought that if there was any crook had a chance of corrupting you it would be with chocolate?"  
They both laughed.

Nancy touched his wrist. "Dave I want you to understand something. Losing a child is something no mother can survive easily. It isn't the normal scheme of things; our children are supposed to bury us; not the other way around. But I have learned something. If I do not make myself accept it and get on with my life I will be insulting her memory. I think that you need to start doing the same."

"I know. I think maybe bringing all this to you; clearing her apartment; it's a kind of clearing exercise for me. But it's so hard…" He didn't try to fight the tears.  
She put a hand on his and squeezed it. "Listen to me David. I do not hold you responsible for Terri's death; and if I don't, neither should you." He looked up at her, big blue eyes swimming with tears; he looked so vulnerable. She held his hand a little tighter. "Go and take a shower. I'm taking you out to dinner."

Starsky stayed with Nancy for three days. She showed him all Terri's childhood photos; her high school yearbooks; her prom photo and the photos taken when she graduated from Berkeley. Class of '69. Dave stroked the photo. "She didn't tell me she was at Berkeley during the uprising. Maybe she thought the cop would disapprove."  
"Would you have done?"  
"Hell no! I was out there; I got wounded and came home before I could get killed. I hated it. I was called up and I wasn't together enough to know about burning my draft card. Mind you I never much liked the idea of living in Canada."  
His face clouded. He could see Hutch sitting on the kitchen counter with the 'phone cord around his neck trying to get them places with a football team in Vancouver. "You'd have to be penguin to want to live there." Nancy smiled.

The day Starsky left he had another chocolate cake in a Tupperware box on the passenger seat. "Try not to eat it all before you get home." Nancy blew him a kiss and he backed off the driveway and drove off in the direction of the highway back south.

He found a motel in a town just south of Portland and stayed the second night at the motel with the kind hearted waitress. She wasn't on duty that night so he was able to eat without being propositioned.

He arrived home tired but feeling strangely rested. He went straight to bed and slept better than he had in a very long time.

Hutch was sorting through his expense slips and trying to make sense of a bill from a diner when the phone on his desk rang.  
"I'm home. You wanna come round a bit later?"  
"How about right now?"  
"Coffee's on and if you're quick there might be some chocolate cake left."

Hutch went into Dobey's office.  
"Starsky's back. I'm going over there now."  
Dobey looked up. "Tell him to take his time, Hutch. I can always put him on sick leave if he needs it."  
"He sounded pretty cheerful to me; but then you never know with Starsky."  
"That's what I mean. Edith and I were talking about her cousin last night. His wife died of cancer a couple of months ago. He took it very badly and then a couple of weeks later he seemed as bright and as cheerful as ever. He's in the hospital having treatment for severe depression after he tried to kill himself a few weeks ago."

"Oh come on Captain…"  
"Starsky's taken it hard; and he blames himself. He's always been an up and down sort of character. I just don't want him to put too much pressure on himself."

"I'll let you know." Hutch left the office and went to the men's room before setting out for Starsky's apartment.  
Pike was in there, he'd apparently just stepped into the urinal and he turned to see who had come in. Hutch had a strange feeling. He stepped into the urinal and unzipped his fly. He started to pee and became aware that Pike was staring at him…at his cock!  
"You have a problem, Pike?"  
The other man did not turn away. Hutch looked at him and saw that he was not using the urinal although he too had his zipper open. Pike was staring at Hutch and his erection was plainly on show. He reached a hand towards Hutch's crotch but the blond stepped back and zipped himself up.  
"I don't know what you're into Pike and I don't care. Your private life is your affair; I'm not interested in that kind of thing."

Pike turned away, his face was red and Hutch saw a tear run down his cheek. "I'm sorry Ken but I've really fancied you ever since I joined the Ninth Precinct. I was jealous of Starsky until I heard how involved his was with Terri. I hoped that while Starsky was way I might get to know you better."  
"He's back and if I were you I'd ask for a transfer."

Hutch left the men's room and went down to his car. He didn't know what to feel; like Starsky he believed in live and let live. He wasn't interested in having sex with a man and it had never entered his mind that a man would want him. Starsky had once said something very sensible about the way most 'straight' men react to homosexuality. "The truth is, most men are so vain and so sure that everyone will be attracted to them that if a gay man comes into the room they feel threatened. They are worried that the gay man will make a pass; and at the same time their pride is wounded if he doesn't." Sometimes that curly head seemed to be full of philosophy and Hutch wondered were some of it came from considering his buddy had hardly had a brilliant high school record.

He parked behind the Torino.  
Starsky was sitting on the couch with his back to the door. Hutch closed the door quietly and went up to his partner and put his hands on the broad muscular shoulders.  
"How are you doing?"  
"I've felt a whole lot better; and I've felt worse." Starsky went over to the kitchen and returned with a tray laden with the coffee pot, mugs a big half-eaten chocolate cake and a couple of plates. "Nancy made the cake," he looked sheepish, "I had to put it on the back seat or I'd have eaten the lot before I got to Portland."

Hutch took the tray and watched his friend sit down. He was still thinner than usual and his beard was luxuriant mass of dark curls covering half his cheeks and his chin. His mouth was almost hidden in the whiskers.  
"I wish I could grow a beard like that. Mine always look like overgrown stubble."  
"The penalties of being a blond!" Starsky laughed.

Hutch waited for Starsky to speak; he didn't want to push anything. They sat in silence munching chocolate cake and sipping coffee. They both broke the silence at the same time.  
"The drive………."  
"You won't believe…….."

Starsky looked at Hutch and saw the expression on his face; "Woo, he has something on his mind, better let him go first." He thought. Aloud he said "You go first I was just going to make some crappy remark about driving through three states."

Hutch was quiet for a second. "Starsk, have you ever thought that other people might wonder about us?"  
"Wonder about us…about what about us?"  
"Well we work very closely and we spend a lot of time together and…….."  
"And I love you, but I've told you before you're not Kosher! Well maybe that's no excuse any more; Terri wasn't either."  
"That's what I mean. Do you ever wonder of other people think we're gay?"  
"No I don't. I know we aren't and I don't give a flying fuck what bizarre fantasies someone else might have about us" He stopped and looked at Hutch who had an embarrassed smile on his face. Oh shit! Oh no Hutch I didn't mean to upset you."  
"Not me dummy. I don't want to have an affair with you. I've told you before I prefer blonds! No someone made a pass at me while you were away."  
"So you're complaining?"  
"It was a man! Another cop."  
"Oh oh. Should I ask who?"  
"Pike. He's made a lot of nasty remarks about us in the last few weeks and while you were off I worked with him and Edwards on that rape case. Pike was a bit weird with me and this morning he made a pass at me in the men's room"

Starsky restrained himself from teasing Hutch about being an uptight WASP; he could see that Hutch was embarrassed. "Hey remember what I once told you. Some enchanted evening etc. He thought you were the one, that's all. Next time he tried to fly to your side I'll swat him!"  
For the first time in a long while Hutch heard Starsky laugh. He sighed.  
"It won't come to that; I told him that I'm not interested and I advised him to get a transfer."  
"Well done, buddy."

Starsky stayed quiet for another few minutes and then said "Listen, I want to be on my own over the weekend but why don't you come a collect me on Monday morning. "  
"You're coming back to work? "  
"Well what else do you expect me to do; drive a bus?"

Hutch got the message and stood up. See you on Monday; eight o'clock Ok."

"Monday at eight."

Hutch went from Starsky's apartment to The Pits. The new waitress came onto him and they spent the weekend together.

Starsky's weekend could not have been different.

After Hutch had left he went and took a shower then dressed in his dark suit. He took a velvet pouch out of the bureau drawer and went down to the car. The sun would be set in less than an hour.  
He pulled over on a quiet street and parked the car and set off to walk the last mile to the synagogue that he'd been visiting ever since Terri died.  
He went in quietly, covering his head and draping his prayer shawl over his shoulders; he took his position with the other men and swayed gently in rhythm with the chanted prayers. He still felt a little ashamed that he was no longer able to join in; but the rabbi had reassured him that if he wanted to it would come back to him with time.  
When the minyan was complete the rabbi called on the assembled men to say Kaddish for "David's fiancée." Starsky recited the prayer and let the tears flow.  
After the prayers were over Rabbi Stern came over to him. "David, my wife would like to come and share the Sabbath meal with us." Starsky thanked him shyly and they went across the road to the Stern's house.  
Inside, Mrs. Stern and her daughters were putting the last touches to the table. Mrs. Stern lit the Shabbat candles and silently said the prayer that has been passed down through so many generations of Jewish women. They passed the chollah and a cup of wine, each taking a piece of bread and a sip of wine before passing them to his or her neighbor. Finally they sat down and Mrs. Stern served dinner. She had made gefilte fish to start followed by a salmon cooked in the oven. A fish meal meant that they could eat apple pie à la mode for dessert.  
Dave felt strangely safe with this devout and kind hearted family. The rabbi and his wife questioned him gently and tactfully about his own religious upbringing.  
"I guess I dropped out after my Bar Mitzvah. " he laughed. "I had to say Kaddish for my father when I was fourteen…"  
"How did he die?" Mrs. Stern looked concerned. "It is terrible for a young boy to have to do such a thing."  
"He was shot ma'am. He was cop. I saw it happen…."  
Rabbi Stern refilled Starsky's glass and pushed it towards him. "You have lost two loved ones in the same way. I think I understand why you are coming to see me."

"I want to understand. I want to learn the things I've forgotten."  
"You only have to ask David; I will always be happy to give you my time."  
"Thank you." They let him finish his meal in silence.

Starsky turned to the Rabbi before getting into the car; "I'd like to join with you all for Kippur."  
"We will be happy see you whenever you want to come to the Temple, David. Don't wait for the High Holidays"

The rabbi and his wife watched him walk back to his car. "Remind me to tell him that we don't mind if he drives on the Sabbath." They both laughed and walked back to the house.

Starsky drove home with an unfamiliar feeling of peace. "Maybe I'm learning to live with it. Oh God I hope I can make it."

The 'phone was ringing when he came in. He picked up the receiver and pinched his nose "the number…"   
"Davey, Davey darling I'm so worried about you. You didn't call last week and not tonight either."  
"Momma; I'm here. I've been away for a while."  
"Oh darling, when your father died I thought that my life had come to an end. You'll get over it baby."  
"I know momma. I'm working on it. Guess where I've been?"  
"If you were in a bar…"  
"No momma. I was in the synagogue. I went to Shabbat service."  
"Davey; if you are teasing me."  
"Momma; you know I wouldn't do that to you; not about that. I went to Temple; I ate dinner with the Rabbi and his family. He has two daughters momma – aged five and nine!" He stopped and held the receiver away from his ear as Lily gave her a tirade on joking about that kind of thing. He had never told her that Terri wasn't Jewish.  
"Momma….listen to me…mom…mom….mommy darling! Listen I've had a tough week and I'm tired. I'm going to bed and I'm going to have a quiet weekend then Monday I go back to work."  
He let her talk for a few more seconds and then blew her a kiss and put the 'phone back on its hook.

He undressed and hung his suit up carefully – _I'll be using it more than I thought._

He slipped between the sheets and for the first time since Terri died he slept all through the night.

Saturday, Starsky decided to give some attention to his housekeeping; a quick inspection of the fridge revealed congealed piece of pizza, a moldy lump of cheese and half a carton of rancid milk. He made a quick list and set off for the local store.

Coming into the kitchen he put the two brown sacks that he was balancing in his arms on the counter and sorted his purchases between fridge and cupboard. He made himself a pot of tea and sat down to drink it while he went through the mail that had accumulated during the time that he had been away – mentally and physically. There were a couple of bills but that was no problem they were paid automatically by the bank. Another envelope revealed his pay slip; they had at long last gotten the raise that had been promised months ago. The rest of the stuff was fliers and junk mail – he tossed it into the garbage pail in the kitchen along with the empty envelopes. He went over to his desk and filed the bills and the pay slip.  
He looked around and decided that the next stop was the bathroom. He peed and then set about clearing away old towels. He sorted his laundry and took a load into the kitchen and set the washing machine into motion. Hutch went to the local launderette but Starsky valued being able to deal with is underwear in private.  
Next he took the vacuum cleaner out of the closet and turned the radio up high so that he would hear it while he cleaned the floors. He sang along with a couple of songs.  
Vacuuming finished he turned the radio back down and flopped onto the couch. They were playing a track from Pet Sounds "Wouldn't it be nice if we were married…" He forced himself to listen to it and took a certain pride in the fact that he wasn't crying when it finished.  
He reached for his book and read for about an hour – until his stomach reminded him that lunch wasn't a bad idea from time to time. He went into the kitchen and made an omelet that he ate from the pan, leaning on the counter.  
Rabbi Stern had told him to listen to his heart and to his body; to follow his feelings and to "indulge yourself a little." His body was saying "rest me" so he went back to lie on the couch. He switched on the TV. A cop show – he tried to watch it but he knew that things never worked the way they did on the screen. Forty minutes for the hero to solve a crime and maybe start work on another; and no sign of a private life. He flipped the remote control; a Bogart film – he settled back to watch his hero drag Katherine Hepburn and an old steam boat up an African river.

That evening he grilled himself a steak and poured a glass of wine. He played solitaire for a while and read for a couple of hours. He was in bed and asleep by ten thirty.

Sunday he went to "his beach" and jogged for about a half hour. The he went home and showered and the rest of the day was much like Saturday had been.

When Hutch arrived on Monday morning Starsky was running late – for the excellent reason (that he would never tell Hutch) that he had indeed been running! Hutch let himself in as Starsky was about to start shaving off his by now luxuriant beard. Looking at himself in the mirror he couldn't help thinking that he looked like an old fashioned Jew; like the men who had lived a couple of blocks away when he was a kid. _All I need is the ear locks and the wide-brimmed hat_. The image made him laugh.  
He started to work up a thick lather of shaving soap and reached into the cabinet to take out his razor.

Hutch walked into the bathroom in time to see Starsky checking the blade of an old-fashioned a cut throat razor; seeing the reflection of his face in the mirror Starsky held the razor in mid-air.  
"What in the hell are you doing? Starsky you can't possible think of…"  
"Don't tell me you like this beard!"  
Hutch mugged at him sheepishly.  
"Hey; hey Hutch, you thought I was going to cut my throat! Oh that's good, that's really good. Believe me buddy if I was gonna kill myself I'd find a quiet spot and blow my brains out. In fact if you're good one day I'll show you the beach I had in mind."

"What do you mean 'had in mind'?"

Starsky didn't answer. He started to lather the beard and skillfully shaved it off; each stroke of the razor bringing his youthful face back into view from behind the whiskers.  
He looked up at Hutch in the mirror; his big blue eyes wide with concentration and a little humor twinkled there. When he had finished and wiped the last traces of shaving cream off his face he went into the bedroom and dressed. Still smiling he turned to Hutch.  
"I wouldn't have done it you know. There's too much life out there to live."  
"I don't know Starsk; there was a time when I really worried about your psychological safety."

"It felt bad. You know what it felt like? It felt like I was trying to swim against a tide of thick blue mud that was going to bury me alive if I didn't fight back. I decided to fight. Now let's get to work!"

The two of them went down the steps to where their cars were parked side by side.  
"Flip you for it." Starsky said. Hutch took a coin out of his pocket and flipped.  
"Heads" said Starsky – he never chose tails. Hutch looked at the coin and took a second to think about it. "Hey how about that, looks like it's the Striped Tomato today. Starsky opened the door and slid behind the wheel. He touched Hutch on the arm so that the blond turned to look at him.  
"You're a lousy liar, you know that? Thanks buddy."  
He gunned the engine and reversed fast enough to slam Hutch against the dashboard.  
"Gotcha!"

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End file.
